Oh Halle. What a beautiful and uplifting piece at a time when we need so much of both. I love your hopefulness even though you haven't yet found your person. I also love both your commentary on what modern society/technology/narratives have done to both men and women RE: men not approaching women for fear of "being creepy" etc. And women feeling like they have to apologize for wanting a man...???? Amen to "I don't NEED a man; i WANT a man!!"
You are not an idiot for believing in love. I hesitate to say anything more because I don't know you and, so far as I can tell, we don't have much in common beyond having a Substack. I am male and 68 years old and happily married with 9 grandchildren. Here goes anyway.
It is a good to understand what you want from a relationship.
Happy married with 9 grandchildren! That is quite the feat, Mazel Tov, friend.
I think much of what I want to give is also what I desire from a relationship. That creates balance in my mind. Plus we have to be willing to give what we want from another.
What do you find to be most important to give in your relationship?
“I think division, isolation, risk aversion, convenience, talking and not acting, technology instead of intimacy, and believing we have no real power to change the things that weigh us down — all of that is the true scam.”
Nailed it. It’s not a new problem.
In this era I think it’s more so people wanting genuine affection and not simply to get married because that was the only option.
As men we aren’t taught to communicate on an emotional level. We have to learn that but it’s changing.
At some point people have to take a risk. That’s the hard part.
Great read. Nice work. Loved the intro. You’re definitely a romantic. Paints a lovely picture. ❤️
“Even if current cultural norms argue that love is a scam, giving us lists of all the reasons that relationships are toxic, a source of delusion, or hopelessly mired in gender wars and patriarchy…”
…is what current cultural norms argue, then we are living in a culture that is well and truly boned, as in boneless…unable to support the weight of its own self-destructive pseudo-intellectual arrogance.
I hear about these idiotic ideas, but I just assume they’re the usual shrieking of malcontents and self-prepossessed whiners whose egocentricity compels them to make a lot of noise and call a disproportionate amount of attention to themselves in an effort to convince the rest of the world to take them as seriously as they take themselves. Are such ideas really “norms”? My God, I hope not.
C’mon Halle, you don’t really think you’re an idiot for believing in love. I don’t, anyway. But maybe that’s because I grew up in a different time, when we wrote and sang songs about love, watched movies about people being in love, and had families founded by two parents who made a commitment to each other for life, and actually meant it.
I was born into such a family, and I wanted my two daughters to have the same thing…and they do. I don’t understand how there can be men who don’t want women, and women who don’t want men. That’s just messed up. If that’s the “norm”, it’s the death knell of the human species. Denying something as fundamental as biology is just suicidally irrational.
I don’t think you’re an idiot. It seems to me that you’re just fine. Some decent guy who is attracted to smart, real women is out there looking for you. You’ll recognize him when you see him; he’ll treat you like you’re his friend, and like he’s your friend. 😎
Thank you for making sure I don’t think I am an idiot. That's very kind of you.
It is a playful title that I thought people would be drawn to. I think it’s beautiful to fall in love and I think it’s equally beautiful to laugh at ourselves.
Appreciate your reflections on why our society struggles with love and the dysfunctional societal norms - critical thought is one of greatest resources :)
See now, your reply is a perfect example of the reason I spend more time replying to responses to my comments than I do creating new posts/articles. It's the value I find in others reflecting my comments. Those reflections bring with them views of my ideas that come from perspectives outside myself—views I cannot see because I can't think with another person's mind.
In this case, although I am obviously aware of the dysfunctional societal norms, I didn't translate my own ideas to the brilliant synthesis you expressed as "why our society struggles with love". What a diamond of an observation that is.
It's a woman's observation. It has "feminine energy" driving it, oozing from its pores...er, not that I'm an expert on that subject. I think I have a feel for what it means based on the way I've seen it used, and based on my constantly evolving appreciation of the differences between women and men.
Anyhow, "struggles with love" is a notion spoken from The Heart—the part of the mind (the seat of consciousness, awareness) that feels, the part that engenders those little feedback loops called emotions. In my experience, most women pay much closer attention to The Heart (thank God, the universe, or whatever makes men and women who they are). It's one of the reasons I have learned that men should pay more attention to women's perspective. We (men) generally don't have the same degree of that kind of insight.
You're right, of course. We do struggle with love. I do. I struggle to keep it foremost in my mind in my relationships with others, especially those closest to me, whom I am most likely to take for granted (not good), and who have the greatest power to cut deep wounds, BECAUSE of their closeness. I have the scars to remind me to not treat others the way I don’t want to be treated.
But the struggle is also evident in the world at large. In society, for example, here in the U.S. we have just been through a political hell that was more deeply divisive than anything I have witnessed in my lifetime. From my perspective, the amount of hatred engendered by that "us vs. them" mentality should be a red flag that screams a warning to all who believe that politics can solve anything. Hatred, confrontation, and division—the stock in trade of politics—achieve very different results than love, honest communication, and cooperation. Yet, our culture remains addicted to the former, so we miss the benefits of the latter.
Anyhow, those are the thoughts engendered by your valuable “struggles with love” perspective. Thanks for that. 😎💟🙏
I really loved this piece, and I’m with you that division is the true scam. Also, you meant this to describe a partnership, but I feel seen in this statement of yours for what I just went through with a best girlfriend: “Since I chose to walk away from a best friend who understood me on the deepest soul-soothing levels but did not know how to respect or protect our relationship during conflict. It was a dealbreaker for me.” Such a heartbreak. And also, a good call, I think.
Thank you so much for reading my work and your comment.
I completely understand. Sometimes I swear friendship break ups are harder in certain ways than romantic ones. Most everyone understands the romantic bc they've been through it, they can relate.
But friendship break ups come with this deeper heaviness and specific heartbreak.
In some ways, I know that's why mine was so hard bc we were genuinely such good friends underneath it all. And walking away from that can be one of the hardest things we ever do - I acknowledge you for taking that step as lonely and awful as it can feel in the moment.
Some luckier friend who's more aligned when it comes to conflict is going to find their way to you, xx 🫶🏼
I have a practice I do, did, since I was a kid, it helped me, might help someone else to enjoy more aloneness. Admitting I do love falling in love. I still love former partners from decades ago, those with not bad breakups. It´s in spanish but ggl translate is quite good, I think:
This post is so lovely Halle, thank you for sharing it. It’s so easy to fall into cynicism and the downward spiral of negativity. I tend to think staying open to possibility (including in love) is a life skill you need to actively develop. A choice to create an uplifting draft instead. Looks to me like you’re doing just that!
Ashhh! Thanks for your reply and the food for thought.
Also calling me younger than you, how you flatter me 😘
I could see how someone could take that away from my writing - the idea of romanticizing too much. Part of that is my writing style and my personality, I find immense beauty in the simple things/ life itself. You should see me in nature, I could romanticize a tree or take focus on the intricacy of a certain leaf's pattern 😂
That said, like all good modern romantics and modern gals, I very much value balance and don't exist in a state of suspended belief surrounding the more tedious, challenging aspects of a relationship - those are very real. I choose (most of the time, no one's perfect) to embrace those moments the same way I do the little things/firsts, which don't only happen in the beginning (A lot do, but I think we are perpetually discovering things about each other that can be endearing).
Life (for me, anyway) is inevitably sobering, romanticizing certain aspects does not change that. It merely makes the sobering moments a bit more bearable when I factor in the positives I am grateful for. :)
I do understand in extreme (unhealthy) circumstance, those little things do not adequately compensate b/c the cost is far too high.
I hope that all makes sense, I really do hear your point and appreciate you looking out 🤍
I love that you are prepped and ready for men in 2025. Get it girl!
Jack! It's been too long. So glad to see you here 🥰
You were an instrumental part in my year as well, as you are the first comment on the first post I ever had, months after it has been published. And now I have a whopping 4! Haha, happy holidays, my friend. I appreciate your support and presence ❄️
Oh Halle. What a beautiful and uplifting piece at a time when we need so much of both. I love your hopefulness even though you haven't yet found your person. I also love both your commentary on what modern society/technology/narratives have done to both men and women RE: men not approaching women for fear of "being creepy" etc. And women feeling like they have to apologize for wanting a man...???? Amen to "I don't NEED a man; i WANT a man!!"
Nikki 🥹
Thank you so much, reading your comment brought such warmth to my mind and body.
And the specific points you mentioned, ah just reminds me of the power of resonation.
Yessss. We WANT, not need 😉🙌🏼
You are not an idiot for believing in love. I hesitate to say anything more because I don't know you and, so far as I can tell, we don't have much in common beyond having a Substack. I am male and 68 years old and happily married with 9 grandchildren. Here goes anyway.
It is a good to understand what you want from a relationship.
What do you want to give?
Thank you Mark :)
Happy married with 9 grandchildren! That is quite the feat, Mazel Tov, friend.
I think much of what I want to give is also what I desire from a relationship. That creates balance in my mind. Plus we have to be willing to give what we want from another.
What do you find to be most important to give in your relationship?
“I think division, isolation, risk aversion, convenience, talking and not acting, technology instead of intimacy, and believing we have no real power to change the things that weigh us down — all of that is the true scam.”
Nailed it. It’s not a new problem.
In this era I think it’s more so people wanting genuine affection and not simply to get married because that was the only option.
As men we aren’t taught to communicate on an emotional level. We have to learn that but it’s changing.
At some point people have to take a risk. That’s the hard part.
Great read. Nice work. Loved the intro. You’re definitely a romantic. Paints a lovely picture. ❤️
If this…
“Even if current cultural norms argue that love is a scam, giving us lists of all the reasons that relationships are toxic, a source of delusion, or hopelessly mired in gender wars and patriarchy…”
…is what current cultural norms argue, then we are living in a culture that is well and truly boned, as in boneless…unable to support the weight of its own self-destructive pseudo-intellectual arrogance.
I hear about these idiotic ideas, but I just assume they’re the usual shrieking of malcontents and self-prepossessed whiners whose egocentricity compels them to make a lot of noise and call a disproportionate amount of attention to themselves in an effort to convince the rest of the world to take them as seriously as they take themselves. Are such ideas really “norms”? My God, I hope not.
C’mon Halle, you don’t really think you’re an idiot for believing in love. I don’t, anyway. But maybe that’s because I grew up in a different time, when we wrote and sang songs about love, watched movies about people being in love, and had families founded by two parents who made a commitment to each other for life, and actually meant it.
I was born into such a family, and I wanted my two daughters to have the same thing…and they do. I don’t understand how there can be men who don’t want women, and women who don’t want men. That’s just messed up. If that’s the “norm”, it’s the death knell of the human species. Denying something as fundamental as biology is just suicidally irrational.
I don’t think you’re an idiot. It seems to me that you’re just fine. Some decent guy who is attracted to smart, real women is out there looking for you. You’ll recognize him when you see him; he’ll treat you like you’re his friend, and like he’s your friend. 😎
…
Hi Vito,
Thank you for making sure I don’t think I am an idiot. That's very kind of you.
It is a playful title that I thought people would be drawn to. I think it’s beautiful to fall in love and I think it’s equally beautiful to laugh at ourselves.
Appreciate your reflections on why our society struggles with love and the dysfunctional societal norms - critical thought is one of greatest resources :)
Hi Halle:
See now, your reply is a perfect example of the reason I spend more time replying to responses to my comments than I do creating new posts/articles. It's the value I find in others reflecting my comments. Those reflections bring with them views of my ideas that come from perspectives outside myself—views I cannot see because I can't think with another person's mind.
In this case, although I am obviously aware of the dysfunctional societal norms, I didn't translate my own ideas to the brilliant synthesis you expressed as "why our society struggles with love". What a diamond of an observation that is.
It's a woman's observation. It has "feminine energy" driving it, oozing from its pores...er, not that I'm an expert on that subject. I think I have a feel for what it means based on the way I've seen it used, and based on my constantly evolving appreciation of the differences between women and men.
Anyhow, "struggles with love" is a notion spoken from The Heart—the part of the mind (the seat of consciousness, awareness) that feels, the part that engenders those little feedback loops called emotions. In my experience, most women pay much closer attention to The Heart (thank God, the universe, or whatever makes men and women who they are). It's one of the reasons I have learned that men should pay more attention to women's perspective. We (men) generally don't have the same degree of that kind of insight.
You're right, of course. We do struggle with love. I do. I struggle to keep it foremost in my mind in my relationships with others, especially those closest to me, whom I am most likely to take for granted (not good), and who have the greatest power to cut deep wounds, BECAUSE of their closeness. I have the scars to remind me to not treat others the way I don’t want to be treated.
But the struggle is also evident in the world at large. In society, for example, here in the U.S. we have just been through a political hell that was more deeply divisive than anything I have witnessed in my lifetime. From my perspective, the amount of hatred engendered by that "us vs. them" mentality should be a red flag that screams a warning to all who believe that politics can solve anything. Hatred, confrontation, and division—the stock in trade of politics—achieve very different results than love, honest communication, and cooperation. Yet, our culture remains addicted to the former, so we miss the benefits of the latter.
Anyhow, those are the thoughts engendered by your valuable “struggles with love” perspective. Thanks for that. 😎💟🙏
I really loved this piece, and I’m with you that division is the true scam. Also, you meant this to describe a partnership, but I feel seen in this statement of yours for what I just went through with a best girlfriend: “Since I chose to walk away from a best friend who understood me on the deepest soul-soothing levels but did not know how to respect or protect our relationship during conflict. It was a dealbreaker for me.” Such a heartbreak. And also, a good call, I think.
Danielle 🤍
Thank you so much for reading my work and your comment.
I completely understand. Sometimes I swear friendship break ups are harder in certain ways than romantic ones. Most everyone understands the romantic bc they've been through it, they can relate.
But friendship break ups come with this deeper heaviness and specific heartbreak.
In some ways, I know that's why mine was so hard bc we were genuinely such good friends underneath it all. And walking away from that can be one of the hardest things we ever do - I acknowledge you for taking that step as lonely and awful as it can feel in the moment.
Some luckier friend who's more aligned when it comes to conflict is going to find their way to you, xx 🫶🏼
I have a practice I do, did, since I was a kid, it helped me, might help someone else to enjoy more aloneness. Admitting I do love falling in love. I still love former partners from decades ago, those with not bad breakups. It´s in spanish but ggl translate is quite good, I think:
https://federicosotodelalba.substack.com/p/como-sentir-placer-cuando-no-hay?r=4up0lp
This post is so lovely Halle, thank you for sharing it. It’s so easy to fall into cynicism and the downward spiral of negativity. I tend to think staying open to possibility (including in love) is a life skill you need to actively develop. A choice to create an uplifting draft instead. Looks to me like you’re doing just that!
Oh my gosh, Lauren, thank you for supporting my work!
Your comment brought a big smile to my face.
It's true, it is so easy to fall into the cynical mindset, I have to remind myself not to sometimes. So glad you are here 🤍
Ashhh! Thanks for your reply and the food for thought.
Also calling me younger than you, how you flatter me 😘
I could see how someone could take that away from my writing - the idea of romanticizing too much. Part of that is my writing style and my personality, I find immense beauty in the simple things/ life itself. You should see me in nature, I could romanticize a tree or take focus on the intricacy of a certain leaf's pattern 😂
That said, like all good modern romantics and modern gals, I very much value balance and don't exist in a state of suspended belief surrounding the more tedious, challenging aspects of a relationship - those are very real. I choose (most of the time, no one's perfect) to embrace those moments the same way I do the little things/firsts, which don't only happen in the beginning (A lot do, but I think we are perpetually discovering things about each other that can be endearing).
Life (for me, anyway) is inevitably sobering, romanticizing certain aspects does not change that. It merely makes the sobering moments a bit more bearable when I factor in the positives I am grateful for. :)
I do understand in extreme (unhealthy) circumstance, those little things do not adequately compensate b/c the cost is far too high.
I hope that all makes sense, I really do hear your point and appreciate you looking out 🤍
I love that you are prepped and ready for men in 2025. Get it girl!
I look forward to hearing about your adventures.
Wishing you love and luck as well, beautiful xx
-H
Jack! It's been too long. So glad to see you here 🥰
You were an instrumental part in my year as well, as you are the first comment on the first post I ever had, months after it has been published. And now I have a whopping 4! Haha, happy holidays, my friend. I appreciate your support and presence ❄️
Aw Jack, I missed you.
It's cool, sometimes a little feels like a lot 😊😉
YES ABOUT TIME, I'd been counting the days lol
Ohh I am celebrating too, Mister Jack 😉